The Past Didn’t Go Anywhere

People who are reluctant to go into therapy will say, “The past is the past.” When I hear that, I wonder what they really mean. They might be afraid of what is going to turn up in session, as in, “I don’t want to open up that can of worms.” They might be afraid that talking about their issues is going to make certain things real; they don’t think they can deal with the pain, so they don’t want to talk about the past. Maybe they are saying they don’t want to have to dwell in the past. But then you see certain behaviors in their lives that they can’t explain or control. So the past isn’t really just the past, is it?

The folksinger Utah Phillips, put it this way: 

I have a good friend in the East, who comes to my shows and says, you sing a lot about the past… (but) you can't live in the past, you know. I say to him, I can go outside and pick up a rock that's older than the oldest song you know, and bring it back in here and drop it on your foot. Now the past didn't go anywhere, did it? It's right here, right now.

In the field of psychology, it was Sigmund Freud who first explored how early experiences do not stay in childhood, but go on shaping an adult’s life, often without their knowledge or consent. And further, not only do painful experiences stay in one’s unconscious, but they compel us to repeat certain situations in an effort to be healed, once and for all.

Whether you prefer your wisdom set to guitar or not, the concept remains the same: the past is never the past, because you are carrying it around the whole time, anyway. It may leave your conscious mind, but it affects your relationships, your outlook on life, your fears, and your dreams.

The past always informs the present and our future. To say “the past is the past,” reflects a certain amount of emotional immaturity. Psychotherapy, on the other hand, helps you to mature you emotionally by bringing you more self-awareness. The more self-aware you are, the more you can figure out your own behaviors. You can put names to feelings, and understand how you choose to self-soothe so that you choose actions that are not destructive. That’s a big leap to emotional maturity.

The question really becomes, Would you rather have a shorter period of intense pain, or a dull ache for the rest of your life? And, I might add, it isn’t only going to be a dull ache — losses and unexpected setbacks in your personal or professional life, even seemingly random events can surface unconscious material and cause a more intense bout of dealing with the past. If you already have anxiety or depression, and don’t have a process to come to terms with it, it is going to get worse in those situations and not better. It is going to limit you more. And it is going to take away your joy.

In a future blog, I will discuss how to find a good therapist who asks the right questions — one who makes you feel comfortable enough to explore what is making you uncomfortable. I think a lot of people are afraid of having a bad experience in therapy, but that is a separate issue. And actually, sometimes the unfortunate hiccup of working with the wrong person can become part of your healing path.

My point here is that sometimes the past is buried a little, and sometimes it’s buried a lot. A good therapist, a trained professional with good experience, can change his or her strategy based on which one it is. But in either case, the time to deal with this is now. Even if you don’t know how you’re going to deal with it, necessarily — because you know it is holding you back.